My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
