Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
this boner is exhausting
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
