my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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