i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
the liver wants what the liver wants
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
