Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
