Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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