I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
