This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
