my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
