I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
