its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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