I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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