I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
