Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
