3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
