he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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