Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
