why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
