I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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