the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
