apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
