My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
