i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
