I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
