So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
