well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
