if i can run in heels then i can drive
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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