So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
