I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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