Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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