sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
