Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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