Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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