There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So squirting runs in the family.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
