Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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