Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
