Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
