captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
