Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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