I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
