also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
