I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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