she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
