I hate all girls vehemently.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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