You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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