Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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