you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
