I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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