when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
