i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The beers last night were like the tears from god
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
